Today at lunch I stared down a sandwich and managed after a solid five minutes to take a bite. Then I binged crazy out of control the rest of the day. It’s just easier to settle into old habits, I feel the perfectionist taking over and the real me going to sleep. I’ve been fighting it for a long time, and one girl finally pushed me over the edge. No food, no failure, just thin.
So today at lunch I was *this* close to going and buying some crackers and I debated out loud and someone said, “oh you should eat” and then I was like
lol nope
even better everyone at the table was like “you need to eat” and I was like lies lies lies i’m lying you’re lying we are all lying and I’m not eating see ya bitches thanks for the trigger
If I could actually explain myself I would but I really can’t get it all into words. I don’t cry. Almost never. I’m not a crier. My eyes water up sometimes, and I feel sad, but I don’t cry. I find it embarrassing and weak, personally, not on others. I always feel like I have to put on a show, to please everyone, because they wouldn’t be interested in my real emotions. Always happy always happy happy happy. I’m actually numb or sad and filled with copious amounts of self hate most times.
My actual point, I don’t cry and everyone wants me to. Calling me heartless and cold isn’t nice. In fact it hurts a lot. I’m not emotionless. I’m not a robot. I don’t understand why people think that just because I can hide my emotions it’s okay to say hurtful things. It isn’t okay to call me a freak, it isn’t okay to try to make me feel things with your words. I’m only going to shut you out and shut myself in.
I’m so done with people. People are deceptive. Everyone has their ulterior motive. I’m doing my own thing, stay away from me.
Sometimes I just want to freak out and scream and curl up in a ball so everyone will know I’m crazy so I can not eat whenever I want and not care that people know.
I don’t want to hear it. Sit down, shut up, and entertain yourself in a non-hurtful way.
Bitch.
Mom: let’s go eat hamburgers! And then ice cream!
Me: *eats half*
Well that’s all I get today.
Fuuuuccckkk.
Nothing Special
