24 6 / 2013
so my mom returned home way earlier than expected and i was purging in her bathroom, waterworks, music, towel under the door, the whole bit, and i nearly shit myself when she knocked on the door. I had to think REALLY fast, and luckily i had the best excuse in existence, my mother had been feeling shitty stomach wise and i claimed that, then took a nice icy shower to chill myself out. too close a call for me.
09 5 / 2013
Is it possible to not eat anything but still feel like you ate too much?
09 5 / 2013
Let’s count the number of days I haven’t eaten in the past week or so…Wednesday last week, Thursday last week, Sunday, Monday, Wednesday this week, today. I’m so fat I can’t even function and I never eat what is wrong with this picture?
08 5 / 2013
So today at lunch I was *this* close to going and buying some crackers and I debated out loud and someone said, “oh you should eat” and then I was like
even better everyone at the table was like “you need to eat” and I was like lies lies lies i’m lying you’re lying we are all lying and I’m not eating see ya bitches thanks for the trigger
06 5 / 2013
i’m not saying it’s relaspse
07 4 / 2013
I feel like my face isn’t me, or changes, it’s not mine. I can’t picture it right, and I feel disassociated with the face in the mirror. Eyes have gotten larger, nose smaller, cheekbones higher, heart shaped face better proclaimed. Covered in fat. In need of a haircut and a wax for the eyebrows and upper lip. Acne scars. Freckles from sun damage, but not in a cute way. Asymmetrical. Oily. Wrinkles from moving the face too much. Blemishes set to turn to scars any day. Lips chapped and too full. Cheeks are too full as well. Tongue too big. Teeth too yellow. Moles. Nose too big now. Eyes too small, piggish. Heart shaped face is actually round and ugly.
I can’t look too long, I’ll turn into a monster.
14 1 / 2013
Once upon a time there was a little fat girl with an eating disorder. She lost 20 pounds and was a little less fat. Then, one day, her mother decided that putting her on birth control was a good idea. The little fat girl was very scared, because birth control can cause weight gain. She cried in the doctor’s office. The little fat girl started to get fatter. One day, the little fat girl found a scale and it broke her heart. (but not the scale, much to her surprise) So, she decided that it was time to stop worrying so much about her health, and stop trying to recover, because it wasn’t working out anyway. The little fat girl began starving, and fasting, and exercising more and more than ever before. She was scared that her lip gloss had calories. She washed her mouth out with water ten times after brushing her teeth before she would dare swallow. She didn’t like to smell or touch food, just in case she could ingest it that way. The little fat girl was smart, but she still worried about impossible things like this. She wanted to tell how she felt, but the little voice said no. The little voice said she could tell when she weighed 100 pounds. The little voice said no one would believe because she was too fat…
and the little voice wrote this story.
09 1 / 2013
Well this has just been a dandy three days. I haven’t eaten since Sunday, and I feel fine. Maybe I’ll post my planner thing. I haven’t even been dizzy, I’m just kind of floating through. I don’t feel tired until the end of the day. It’s not hard anymore. Is that bad?
23 12 / 2012
I had this dream last night. I think it was out of order, but who knows.
So I was sitting around and thinking about food, and I start eating and then I’m like FUCK I should not be eating. I was really sad, so I took out a giant razor, and, as I don’t self harm, that was really bizarre. I felt better and forgot about my eating. Then I was in a room I don’t know, on a bed, making out with some guy, but I can’t remember his face. It was really weird, because I’m not interested in anyone, nor have I ever had any experience with making out. Anyhow, I shoved him out the window so my parents wouldn’t see him, also because someone I knew was out the window and I was scared he would see. Then I went into the kitchen and helped an Indian girl make Mexican food. Then I woke up very confused.
After being confused, I was happy, because I did not eat, or do any of the things above. WTF is my subconscious trying to say to me?
22 12 / 2012
1. Insult me
2. Insult my friends
3. INSULT MY MUSIC
I’m very upset with some of the people in my lives right now. You know, I’m trying to get better and you are NOT helping.
Our main offender, my dad’s girlfriend, has just managed to make me mad AND sad, a mix that has not sat well previously. I can’t get angry with her, or I’m grounded, and defending myself puts ME in the wrong.
Fuck this. I’m staying with mom for the rest of the holidays.
13 11 / 2012
I don’t actually eat it. It helps me NOT binge. It’s safe foods and not safe foods. It makes me feel better, knowing that if I need to binge I CAN.
We are low on money and we don’t have food in the house, literally nothing but a box of raisin bran, tortillas, sweet potatoes and various sauces. I went to the store and bought food I like, but I didn’t ever eat it. I just stuffed it behind my bed. Unopened packages of food, chocolate, crackers, beef jerky, special k stuff. I WANT A MINI FRIDGE. Tomorrow I get stuff I ordered from a girl scout, and it’s gonna end up back there too.
I’m not sure if this is good or bad.